Thursday, March 17, 2016

You did shit to me and i still sympathize you

"Dah dia tak boleh tolerate orally kan, kenapa bagi minum air lagi?"

I can still hear those words in an angry tone of voice ringing in my ear. I was hurt, shamed, felt guilty and embarrassed all at the same instant moment.

And I just said,
"Lah, I tak tau pulak dia tak boleh tolerate orally", I turned sad.

"Kalau dah muntah banyak kali after everytime makan minum tu, tak boleh tolerate orally lah", still in the same tone.

I was really sad. At that time I didn't know that nil by mouth should be put to him as he couldn't tolerate orally. So I felt like the stupidest person on earth, and I shouldn't be around Scott anymore, cause I couldn't take care of him.

But now I realized, and I've learnt that, if at that time he could not tolerate orally and should be kept nil by mouth, then how do we treat dehydration? He was not in the ward or emergency, he was in his room! So just let him lie there on his bed, prolonging his dehydration? Why no intravenous dehydration was given to him as he could not tolerate orally, and was discharged with ORS just like that from the emergency?

So I thought, in my defense, the doctor who discharged him must believe that he could tolerate orally, that's why the doctor discharged him from the emergency with ORS without prior intravenous dehydration.

And that's why in his room, I tried to give him water to drink because he was very ill-looking. But he vomited after that. And that bitch was mad at me for doing that to Scott. Bajet Pandai.

And secondly, the thing that I am not able to forget, let go from my mind, is the time during we were in the same committee organizing Graduation Ceremony for medical graduating class of 2015. during post-mortem i can still remember of how embarrassed i felt. He said that my team sent out invitations late to the lecturers, and I didn't invite the Ketua-Ketua Unit that I should (I didn't invite because he was the one who said not to in the first place, I can fucking remember that, and we i defended myself about it during the post-mortem, he denied. How fucking mental is he?), and I said I didn't properly arrange the VIP seats on the stage. I swallowed all that at that time. But now I'm vomiting it all out, for my defense.

Firstly, since when typing, printing and sending out invitation letters become the task for Protocol Team? Isn't the task for the secretary? so the secretary, as i may recall, she did the paperwork and submit to the admins, and writing up report. I mean, seriously, she obviously got more merits than I do, so, she obviously needs to do more task than me. Paperwork and report only? Whatever.

Secondly, what's the use of AJK Pendaftaran if they just sat there at the registration counter, waiting for people or invitees to come and sign up their names on the day of event. And they got the same amount of merits as what my team got, but we did more work, and we got bashed some more during post mortem. Problem is, they just handled graduates, when they should handled the VIPs and the lecturers too, because they are indeed AJK Pendaftaran. Prior to event, none of them requested from me the list of lecturers and VIPs who responded Yes. They just expected me to bring me the list on the day of event, when exactly from the beginning, they are the ones who should do all the invitations and RSVP for the VIPs and lecturers too, not just the graduates.

We are the ones who needed to finalised the award giving run flow, and put it into MC text, when actually we just need to request from AJK Hadiah for the namelist because they were the ones who should do that. We are the ones who ended up, do the invitations, follow-up for RSVPs, welcoming and escorting the VIPs to appropriate room for waiting, when AJK Pendaftaran and Sambutan are the ones who should do that.

And we have our own works too, mind you. We need to arranged the seats of the VIPs on stage, the seats of graduates, lecturers, parents, invitees on the floor, basically plan the floor, and we did. We also need to ensure that the speech text has been written, repaired and approved by the Admin Public Relation Officer, and we did. We need to revise the run flow, and rehearse, and we did. Briefing the VIPs about the run flow, arranging them into entrance lines and formations. We need to keep the formation of graduates during award session flowing in the right manner. It may or may not seem a lot, but if every other team do their own job well, our burden will become less, and become equal to each other.

Sometimes I ask myself, Why does most of the pre-event task mostly included in our job scope? I can't digest that until now. Hey you, just because you're the protocol team leader during last event, and maybe you did all those task, doesn't mean that it has to be repeated again for this time. In my perspective, somehow you wanna show off that you did all the works last time and all the credits in the world for the success of last event ought to be given to you.

That time you became the president and i was in protocol team, succeeding you, I think you failed to delegate the tasks fairly towards every other teams. So, the way you bashed me and my team during the post-mortem like we were failures, I put it back all on you bitch. You are the cause of failure. you blamed it all badly on us while actually the event was not even a failure, it turned out there was little small problems, but from the feedback from attendees it was good though. So why the need to bash? I think you just wanna humiliate me for not doing what you did last time. Huhh, as if you're always excellent. Fuck you.

And now, I sympathize you, because you don't have money, JPA has been cut off from your funding. I sympathize when you and your pretty boyfriend got into troubles, the car accident, the ride back from debate in Penang, the time when your boyfriend got sick. I sympathize you, but dunno why i do that after all you did.

I'm hungry.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

afraid of the future

i'm just gonna say this once and for all. maybe. once.
 today, or since these years back, we, people of 20 years old and above, have been busy asking the authorities, the government,
that we should be involved in big issues, national issues, as those decisions made from those problem solvers (the govt), will our future. so,

But also right now, I'm imagining, 
what would it be if in the future, people of 15 years old start to think like this, 
and say, hey, it's our future too! we should involve! in the ministry! in the parliament! we don't care! we fight for our future, we fight for what is true!

i mean, we all are currently thinking like this right? i mean, we, people of twenties, do think like this right? so, what's really the difference with them children in those teen years?
are we already grown up enough? have we know about the world enough? have we study enough? politics? geography? history? economy? about other countries? diplomatic relations? land disputes? 
i'm thinking that somewhere, in some parts of this earth, live younger minds who knows things more than we do. so, how different are we from them? or maybe we should invite those teens into parliaments too? it's only fair right? age can't really be the subject of objection to the topic right?

time is moving, people are changing, so what do we do to our authorities! we tell them our opinion! in a manner, mature, professional ways possible. no hatred needed in the process tho right? no anger needed too right? i mean, we are saying our opinion right? may i repeat, opinion. opinion is not something that is cardinally right nor wrong isn't it? no one in this world, no one, knows whatever right or wrong. only Allah can be the judge! who knows the authorities' decisions would certainly be right? and, who knows our opinions would certainly be right? right? so i think there is no reason for us, young generation to be greedy, or angry or whatever to push the authorities to follow our voice.

when something good happen, you count it. when something bad happen, you learn from it!
again, no hatred to be spread, only love.

but for now, according to our situation, condition of the world today, i can say that
i love listening to The Vamps, and Lawson, and Ben Howard, and many more! 

Barack Obama's regret, on his speech in Kuala Lumpur today: things that I do that are not important.

So, other than listening to great music, let's do things that are important! for the future!

leaving you to your thoughts now, like to hear your opinions!
hello too, keyboard warriors!

Monday, March 31, 2014

Do Not Read

I just have to write this once and for all.
Other students representatives always have the time for higher issues be it national or international issues, caring for bigger others, the bottom billions. While me, I am always too busy with my study that I can't even monitor or sustain, my students complaints that their personal their very own problems are the first world problem that need to be solved. 
anyway, dear my own self, please realize this:

 Seperti yang dinyatakan dalam Subsekyen 48(10) Akta Universiti dan Kolej Universiti 1971 (Pindaan 2009) menyatakan tujuan dan fungsi MPP antaranya ialah:

Perkara (10) Tujuan dan fungsi MPP ialah untuk:

    1. Memupuk semangat hidup sebagai suatu perbadanan di kalangan pelajar Universiti;

   2.  Tertakluk kepada arahan Naib Canselor, menyusun dan menyelia kemudahan kebajikan pelajar di Universiti termasuk kemudahan rekreasi, aktiviti kerohanian dan keagamaan, dan pembekalan makanan dan minuman;

    3. Membuat rayuan kepada Naib Canselor mengenai segala perkara yang berhubungan dengan atau berkenaan dengan keadaan hidup dan kerja pelajar Universiti;

    4. Diwakili dalam mana-mana badan yang boleh, mengikut sesuatu Kaedah yang dibuat oleh Lembaga bagi maksud itu, dilantik untuk menjalankan aktiviti kebajikan pelajar di Universiti; dan

   5.  Menjalankan apa-apa aktiviti lain sebagaimana yang ditetapkan oleh Lembaga dari semasa ke semasa.

 And that's my job! I just have do it as stated in university's constitution. I respect it. So my dearest dear own self, please, note that, even tho that complaints are like that, you need to voice it, okay? yeah, liddat.

*me churning and digesting*

Bye for now

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Note To God

Assalamualaikum and Hai!

I dunno what I want to write right now, but there's a lot of things going on in my head at this moment. I mean like a lot. Really a lot. maybe  should try to make a list down here.

1. My stomach is not in a good condition. So I guess that pretty sums everything up. 
No just kidding.
But I do having some discomfort around my stomach, maybe my abs are going harder and tougher. omagosh! I'm so gonna look tough! haha bshit. thats never gonna happen as long as I keep eating shit and not work out or exercise. Let me proceed anyway.
2. There's this one particular mpp who's been keeping me on my nerve since yesterday. I mean, though he didn't actually directing it on me, but I do feel the hate that he's spreading. And, see, now, in return, I'm spreading it to you guys by writing this. In my opinion, maybe this is the first time he handled a program. he couldn't take the downside of the program. I mean like seriously, keep on saying that he hates himself for letting himself do what others ask him, and then when the result is bad, he called that others as idiots. I don't think that's nice. that's all I wanna judge. I don't wanna judge too much because, first, I may have the tendency to do the same mistakes that he did. second, I don't like to judge too much as I am not perfect my self. third, I don't really wanna screw my chances on getting into heaven by the sin of talking behind others back. moving on.
3. I always have a list on what to do next, but i don't always refer to it. And I hate myself for that. I've little self discipline. I need to train more. 
4. I need to wake from my bed earlier every morning, bathe and go out of house so my head will operate normally. Like, I'm really depressed at night when I realised I haven't done much like I'm not productive at all that day.
5. I don't know if I should go home or go Redang this weekend. Maybe screw all the programs I planned on going here. maybe I should take some time off to my hometown or to Redang. you know, hometown sounds great but, being remembered about what happened previously, I'm a bit less motivated to go there. About Redang, I reaally wanna go there but, I know theres a chance that my dad won't allow me. I don't wanna "pujuk" too much, firstly because when he said no, I should obey. And secondly, I have the experience before this. I "pujuk" my dad to much to allow me to come to USM Kelantan and the result was that I suffered my first year here. maybe second year too. 
6. I keep worrying that the students are shy or scared or whatever to keep them from contacting or interacting with us mpp. I don't really like it because you know, sometimes people expect much of mpp, but they only know that, you know, as mpp, we should do this, and that, but in fact in real life, they don't tell us what we should do or tell us those suggestions of theirs. they just keep talking to each other like they expect us to have ears everywhere. so i couldnt really assess their mind all the time. the truth is, this feeling came to me, some times before, when one of my close friends said, ".... Shah, diorang kata tahun ni mpp macam x buat kerja je....". I was. speechless. amazed. depressed. i was clueless. numb. like i don't know. i'm not sure of anything. maybe it's their ignorance of what we did, or maybe it's my ignorance of them. I don't know. maybe we are too quiet by only making sounds thru facebook spread. maybe we should just screw Sustainability, screw paper usage, print everything on papers and give them to each students doors. i don't know. or or maybe we should go to jpa and push the Pengarah by knife so that he will give us the money early and not late even a day because students are dying because theres no other source to get money like our Students Affair Division and Islamic Centre 'dont' allow us to borrow money like lecturers and Academic Advisors and Mentors are too evil to lend us money and we are too high of our status to ask people to lend us money like we cannot live in hardness of life not even for a second or we'll die. yah maybe like that.
7. I hate it when I get the feelings or I get to know that students don't know about anything happening in the campus when we tell them things through facebook. and they have facebook too like they don't even have the effort to open up a page of usm or mpp or whatever sources. like they expect things or information HAVE to be at their doorstep every morning or if they don't know about it they blame the authorities. yeah. I hate when that happens and I hate when that feelings come to me.
8. And I hate that I spread too much hatred on this page, my own lovely sweetness of life page.
9. Maybe I should write the name of this blog as, "Some Parts of My Letter To God" since the one that I should be complaining or praising to is to Allah and not to other people. As people of this earth are no higher than any other. we are all equal. Except Our Prophet PBUH (Oh how I hope he's here and teach us more and make this world a lovely place).

Dear Allah, forgive me for I have sinned so much upon your Earth. Guide me, bless me, keep my heart open to the the love and good side of everything Oh Allah. 

That's all my heart can scream for now.
Bye :)
Assalamualaikum, Good Night.

Thursday, March 20, 2014


Assalamualaikum! Good Day! Hai Hai! Mahallo! Hey Hey!

This is my first post after I was chosen to be an MPP USM Kampus Kesihatan (which stands for Majlis Perwakilan Pelajar - Students Representative Council of Universiti Sains Malaysia, Health Campus). 
So, let's say hello to the new Me! Hello!
Just kidding, I'm still who I am. Maybe changed a bit, more philosophical, more idealist, but deep down, I think I'm still me. I don't know if I still can write things the way I wrote before. I've been meaning to write/blog since a long time ago. But, because of time constraint, I've to put aside that wish and hold it a lil' bit longer. Up until now! So now I'm writing again! Let's just wish I will persevere this writing activity. hehehe.
There's a lot I wish to write since I became one of the member of the representative council because there has been a lot happening in my everyday life since I joined this. But trust me, I'm writing all about them, not to brag, or be proud because I joined it, but purely because I feel like sharing the thoughts with someone, some people, or some readers.
So if you tried or gonna try to refer to my previous posts, to look about me becoming the MPP, you won't manage to find it. hehe. like I said, this is the first post since I became one. On October 24th, 2013, I was confirmed to be in the team (MPP) as the seat that I was running for has no competition. So I Alhamdulillah, Allah helped me surpassed all the election dramas and everything. hehe. Btw, by me saying this, I have no intention on saying that I really want to join MPP. It was not actually like that in the first place. My friend talked me into running in the election - I said no - he /they were being persistent - I reconsider - suddenly few things hit into my head - I rationalize - I ask opinions - some were supportive, some were not so - finally I said yes - so I sent in the forms and stuffs - announced Walkover because no competition for the seat I was running for. So Alhamdulillah. So at first before I sent the forms of candidates, I had no idea I was going to win as previously I kept on thinking that I just wan to feel or have the experience of campus elections and stuffs, you know. Not to sound / act humble or anything. But that was what I have in mind, but of course I had other things/preps in mind in case I win it. Basically they are of the reasons why I agreed to join MPP in the first place. 
Sort of my 'aspiracion' - 
quote that word from a movie I watched this evening, GOAL. You know what, just to share a bit of what I felt after finished watching. I felt like, does the director/producer/whoever, when they made the movie, knew that the movie they are making, is going to inspire thousands of people? I mean like, seriously, not to get too excited or anything but for the movie IS INSPIRING! (maybe because I almost cried at the end?) 
Anyway, back to the aspiracion that I was talking about. 
What I have in mind earlier, before I was confirmed of my seat in the MPP, I always knew that, if I become one, I will make things happen for the community. From the students, the campus, to the community. When I was in my second year, sort of sophomore year, I joined a lot of organizations, activities, most of them involving non-USM-students to be the target group kind of activities. So I fell in love with those kind of activities. Since then, I was inspired to be more useful to others with what I have. I have a platform to initiate programs, I have or may have the financial supports from various sources, which I learned from my involvements in activities. So, I think what Allah has given me/us, in front of our eyes, are a lot. So why waste it while I/we have the chance, right? so that was what I was thinking back then. My aspiracion.
One of them.
And I don't know where it came from, but during that year also I learnt more stuffs about "Erti Hidup Pada Memberi". I got that quote from Ilman, a very nice friend of mine. It's like my existence on this world is not for me, is not about me, and many more philosophical phrases that you can think of. (I decided not to write everything since I'm afraid that I'll puke on my on blog later when read my own blog again in the far future and laugh at myself or just smile and say, I was here, I lived, I loved, I did and I've done! ew again hehe)
 But now, I know, that when you are an MPP, you have to think more about inside campus stuffs, than to take care more about others outside campus stuffs. But I always believe, that, I am a representative of smart, educated, mature, professional students, university students. We help others. We don't really mind about our minor problems, much, as we mind about the unfortunates and the future generations out there. I mean, we are already here, in a university, what higher or greater learning institutions than a university that we want more?
But sadly, I was lost from this aspiracion in the early phase (few months) of me being the chairman of campus MPP. I got side-tracked, life honestly, as I was panicked, so busy re-organizing and re-managing my life, with this and that, never imagined that I'd be the chairman. Having everyday waking up to the students life problem, like why is this like this, why is that like that, hey, can you tell the person in charge to clean my socks tomorrow? No, just kidding, the socks part i mean. hehe. 
Wait, why do I sound like I don't like my responsibilities. Why do I sound like I'm releasing my tension? Am I tensed?
No, I don't think so. I love my job. What I was trynna say is that, sometimes, I feel like I am or We are pampering our students. I mean, I am representing university students right? don't worry, sometimes, not most of the times. But whatever it is, I believe we university students can think, act and respond rationally to our environment right? (Ew sound so politics, speaking like a politician, ew ew gag gag) hehe. Omg I just made a statement, now I'm afraid that students won't see me anymore. 
"Be wary not dear people, as you see me and tell me something, I will always be here to respond and help you, not to pamper you", covering up. hehehe.
Now, I'm a bit relaxed. A bit. I arranged few principles that I will hold as long as I'm in this post. Like what? Hurmm, maybe not now. But trust me, if anyone in the campus doesn't like me or they way I work, I just wish to Allah that they can tell me upfront so I can correct myself. And I'm more opened to comments and criticism more than I do before this. hehe. I dunno why this change happened. but maybe it is one of the thing that you learnt being a representative.
Fewhh, just finished proofreading, and right now i just wanna puke, as at some part I sounded as if like I'm a philosopher, as if like I go to philosophical studies. haha. and maybe at some point above I was like asking for sympathy like I'm gonna cry right now. No. I'm not gonna. Just honestly sharing my flow of feelings :) I feel like my feelings are fluctuating every minutes, psychological you think?

So, when I was in my freshman, my sophomore, I never knew or had any idea what MPP is all about, what they do and did for the campus or us the students, I felt like "What are the things that they have made for us". So becoming one now, I started to know a lot of things. Being able to see and feel from the inside my self. able to experience being in their shoes. Now I know. 
hehehe. Karma (my religion - Allah) always has a way to show me / hit me back! liddat! hahaha.

Good Night. I leave you to your thoughts now.
bye :)

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Of Sound And Music

More or less the topic is about what you see and what you dont.
This is my first time blogging since I've started to post in MPP. So many things have happened in my life since the pelantikan. So many feelings mixture I've been true. And please be reminded that by that I do not mean to be proud or brag about it. Oh I just negatively overthink about my readers didn'nt I?
Anyway, I've received some motivations from my friends lately. One from Nina, one from Suffia, one from Abg and one from my predecessor (haha) former MPP Chai. There are all concern about me and I love them more because of that.
The other day I had a talk with Chai and one of the things that I can remember from the conversation is that I have to write down everything that I experienced or felt or whatever straight away after interesting things happened. So now, people, let me warn you that I will blog everything. Haha.
And the other thing that I remember is that now is a good practice for me to be a good leader. Consider whatever happens at this period to be my exercise and test to a better future. Tho not exactly like that what he said, but thats how I perceived it. Not bad for a motivation right?
And Nina reminded me to let no people bring me down. I will. I will stay put Nina. I don't even know how did she knew that I'm quite down at that time. Suddenly one day she texted me a motivational quote and I was touched. Thank you Nina :) yeah, to think about it, just recently some people did let me down. How come can you tell me that I didn't propose any follow up when my resources to do that is the meeting minute, the one you should provide? But right now I refuse to elaborate more on that particular story. One because I have more stories actually that I can write down about people downing me so it will consume my time. Two because if write them down, there is a probability that I'll feel down. So I stop here for that now.
And Suffia has always been a good girl. She understands me tho sometimes, many times i forgot to text her. Thank you so much :')
And Abg is this one person where actually you can count to comfort you. He lives far from me au currant. I'm sure if he'a here I'll make his life a mess. Haha. With my complaints and silly things I always worry about. How I wish you are/were (grammar) here.

That's all for now. I love you all. Bye ;)

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Be prepared!

Hello hi assalamualaikum. So these last few days i have been in a certain stupid dilemma about being in a post. People said that this post is an important post in a campus. Some people try to support me but not for the other some. Now i dont know which one is the truth. In fact nobody knows the truth because the truth is a future which we dont know yet until it happens. Of course we can predict things but who knows our prediction might or might not come true. My academic will be at risk. My job and my students welfare cant be done well as i have to focus on my study. So it will burden others. All the comments circulate around these 3 points. Although i have rebuttals for all of these 3 points but still i cannot say them out loud because like i said they may or may not come true. Who knows except Allah. So now, im praying to you Allah. That you shed me your light in my heart towards the path that i've decided to go on. And let there be success and only success in the future for me, my friends and my campus O Allah.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I used to be fat

Not literally fat. Now I'm sitting outside library, hanging around, waiting for my friend for lunch. And suddenly remembered my childhood years, when I was very very little.
I don't know why I used to cry everyday when my dad was about to leave our house for work. I used to cry badly, loudly and maybe annoyingly (my mum must really hated my cries at that time) each and every time he goes out to work. Maybe it's because that my dad workplace was so far away in Pahang and he usually took 2-3 days as the nature of his job as a teamwork consultant consumes days of camp training.
Before our family moved to our new house in the 'countryside', I used to have a neighbour, of an uncle, aunty, a daughter and a very little son. Now, the same thing happened to me when I was at that age, I saw it in front of my own eyes. The little boy cries everytime his father goes out probably for work. So I thought, maybe this thing happens to many other children in this world, maybe from other parts of the world, other continents etc.
This occurrence made me think, why do children cry when their father, or probably, mother too, leave them? And why don't we, or the children continue to cry even as they grow up?
Now that is certainly something to think about. But we all know that the baseline or the bottom rock of the thoughts or the arguments will circle about loving our family :D
P/s: I'll be happy to read back your thoughts <3

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About Me

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Banting, Selangor, Malaysia
If I wrote a note to God :)